complaint of the year letter

[UKRobin]

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in the UK as complaint
letter of the year really worth reading to the end ...

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
Can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

I just loved this, is says all the things i'd love to say if i had time to do

[peterjhale]

that's the best laugh I have had for ages

[UKRobin]

Me too, glad you enjoyed it

[An Oasis]

Bookmarked I think I might need to copy large portions of this for a telecoms provider that we have just changed to.

Thanks

[UKRobin]

I once emptied the contents of an ashtray into the tenth American Express application form return envelope to arrive in one month Unlike the guy in the letter, I enclosed my address with a big 'Stop sending' note. Not received anymore to this day

Anybody else ever taken similar actions?

[how2begin]

"ABSOLUTELY BRILLIENT", I'd like to cut & paste this letter & send it to AOL, problem is though, it would have to be translated into Arabic/Indian/Pakistani/Chinese anything other than English, basically they just wouldn't be able to understand a word *s*.
Irene

[Material Girl]

Loved it!!
We were supposed to be having Talk Talk sort out a internet connection but after 2 months they realised theyd ballsed something up, still no sign of an update from them!!

[UKRobin]

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIENT", I'd like to cut & paste this letter & send it to AOL, problem is though, it would have to be translated into....

As an AOL (Ars*holes On Line) user I know where your coming from but that seems to be the way of the world.

All I can say is 'Stop the world I want to get off'

[dlstephenson12]

Thats Quality!

Back to the point of sending incompleted application forms back to companies through the pre-pay envelopes (ie American Express).

I keep getting them from Barclaycard and MBNA - has anybody sent the information back "incomplete"? - does this stop them from sending any more?

Or does this just make them more determined to p$££ you off?

[UKRobin]

I have tried many tricks to stop these companies sending this mail each week

I once emptied the contents of an ashtray into the tenth American Express application form return envelope to arrive in one month Unlike the guy in the letter, I enclosed my address with a big 'Stop sending' note. Not received anymore to this day

was one but I once replied with Mrs instead of Mr and just wrote in BIG letter

STOP SENDING, HE IS DEAD AND YOU ARE UPSETTING ME lol it worked